My girlfriend and I are planning to move in together in ~3 months.
I own a small apartment in Amsterdam, my mortgage, heating, water and electricity is about 2000 Euro a month, and I earn 30% more than she does.
Some context: Amsterdam is damn expensive and in an housing crisis, since living here she’s been paying about 1000/m to rent a room. Both of us earn quite well and money isn’t tight
What is a fair way to split costs? I’ve heard everything from she should live here for free because I was paying for everything anyway to we should split everything 50/50, and I’m not sure what is fair.
I don’t think 50/50 is fair, because the way I see it, I’m going to get back a fair amount of the money I pay to my mortgage when I sell the apartment.
So what is fair? My gut feeling is something like we split the heating, electricity, groceries etc. 50/50. And she pays say 500 Euro a month for living here (less than half what she’s used to paying in rent)
I personally would feel weird collecting rent money from my girlfriend that provides me equity. Did you ask her what she thinks?
I am not sure the way Amsterdam law sees it but in a lot of countries if shes paying some of the mortgage and she lives there for a certain length of time she becomes part owner of said condo. Best to get legal advice as if you break up you may be forced to sell and split part of the sale.
What we did is we added up all expenses. I was making 2x what my SO did. They wanted everything 50/50. I insisted by pay. We ended up meeting half way. Inplay 3/5the of the bill they do 2/5ths.
As some have mentioned, the real answer is whatever works, as every relationship is different.
With that out of the way however I would generally reccomend three different alternatives, which will depend on what the goal/long term plan is.
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Equal ownership of the appartment Your GF will either buy in with half of the sum already paid down or “take over” the remainder of thr mortgage that would equal owning half the appartment once paid down, and cover the corresponding portion of monthly down payments. Depending on their current savings this may or may not be feasible. If not able to pay upfront, it may be possible to calculate how much would be needed to eventuallly get to equal ownership and try to save up and pay bit by bit. Running expenses split 50/50
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Partial ownership of the appartment Either split the mortgage equally or however large a portion you GF is able to cover financially, and at the point of either movibg out or selling calculate the what share of ownership those dowbpayments have equated. Depending on how long you intend to live their before selling or how willing you both are to commit at the current stage of relationship, this might be the best/fairest way to start of. Can easily transition into option 1 down the line. Running expenses split 50/50
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No ownership share of the apparment. You keep paying all mortgage fees and you just split all other running expenses 50/50. If you at some point sell the appartment to buy a new one/a house together you could solve the potential inequality in funds by you coverkng the bigger part of the upfront cost, while she covers a bigger part of the resulting mortgage so that it eventually equates to a 50/50 ownership.
Hope this helps :)
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A relationship is built on trust. You are not room mates. Invite her to move in with no expectations, and let her decide how she wants to contribute.
So in a relationship the party that moves into the others home can decide how much they will contribute? What’s the rationale here?
It gives you an early signal that the relationship won’t work out if the other party decides to contribute nothing for no reason other than to have their cake and eat it too.
I’m of the belief that when it comes to relationships, if you’re thinking about it transactionally, then you’re doing things wrong. As long as being together is a net positive for both parties, then it doesn’t matter if one contributes more than the other.
On a more pragmatic note, you can contribute a lot through non-financial means and these are difficult to quantify, so it’s simply not worth the effort to do that kind of bean counting. If you don’t feel that they’re pulling their weight, then you talk about it and make some adjustments.
I wouldn’t call them moving in and after a while realizing they are not contributing an early signal. You know what would be? Talking about it up front and coming to an agreement. Whether it be financial or otherwise.
And this has nothing to do with a relationship being transactional. In fact it’s the opposite because then the relationship will not be one person providing for two people and the other person providing a relationship in return.
I’d agree the sentiment that you’re partners, not room mates, though even partners split (or share) things like costs, housework, etc. I’d suggest something like you pay your mortgage and both of you split utilities… or maybe you pay mortgage and she pays utilities, whatever seems fair to both of you. But I wouldn’t have her pay me money directly, IDK why but it feels a bit off.
There are a million possibilities and no single right answer. Strangers on the internet are not going to be able to tell you. Strangers on the internet certainly don’t know the dynamic between the two of you.
Write down the possibilities (you’ve mentioned some in your post). Think of what seems fair to you. Show her the possibilities and talk about it and agree something.
My wife came from a family that considered it the man’s duty to pay for everything and that women have to protect themselves from exploitation by guarding their own money. Conversations about sharing expenses were very unwelcome and showing love meant spending a lot on luxury gifts. She used to earn a third of what i did and had more disposable income than me since bills left me with little disposable. You could end up with 2 people at different levels of affluence in the same house if you are very defensive and financially isolationist. It’s taken a long time to change that to a collaboration to work through life together with shared resources.
The most “scientific” way in a full commitment would be to put an equal % of both salaries into a “bills” account, then put how much you both want to save into a savings account and then divide the leftover disposable equally between yourselves.
Or if you’re too early to be fully committed then you can start with continuing to pay for everything or ask her for a flat amount contribution.
Just know that money is one of the biggest sources of friction on a relationship and most people at not in the same page. It takes work and talking to get to the same page (that means talking to her… Not us).
I’d see someplace close to 50-50. Maybe you cover a little bit more because you’ll get some of the money back when she moves out.Maybe I should say if she moves out.
No matter how you do it put it in writing. Let me state that again , put it in writing. And yes, I know there are certain people who not listening or not paying attention so I’m gonna say it a third time: put it in writing.
Do not assume anything do not use verbal agreements. You will get screwed. It’s not a matter of if it’s win. You will get screwed. write everything down. Who covers what who owes what how the bills are going to be split.
Edit: and just to make a slight addition here. When I say everything I mean everything. Including how long she gets to live there for underwhat circumstances what conditions. Who owns the apartment. Everything. I don’t know about where you live, but here once person lives in a certain place a certain period of time they called the resident. trying to kick them out even if you own the place or else pain in the ass. So write everything down no exceptions.
Im in the same situation, we splitted just utilities 50/50 (electric, water, sewer, repairs) and Im sending a little less to shared account for groceries and other food (beacuse I earn less than my partner) but nothing more
Just get her to cover a few hundred every month. It’s true, you so own the equity in the apartment. Or she can cover food or something. If you guys stay together and get a place together someday, then maybe it’s 50 50.
This sounds like a conversation to have with her, not strangers on the Internet
I’m not sure this is fair. I don’t think this is in lieu of such a conversation, but about some ideas on how to pitch the conversation. If you don’t have any friends in similar circumstances, it’s worth finding out what other people do.
That said, the range of suggestions here is so broad that I’m not sure it’s going to help!
It’s up to both of you. Don’t rely on social norms because it almost always leads to disagreement or when something changes someone feels it’s unfair.
Sit down together and decide what’s fair for your current situation and revisit it every time you adjust the budget. That can be as often as every week or month. Don’t lock yourselves into 1 agreement for ever. Expect it to be fluid and change as your financial situation changes.
As long as you’re both happy with it, it’s fair.
Like others have said, one option is to have a chat with her.
Another option could be coming up with a percentage that fits your 30% increase in earnings:
Assuming you start with a 50/50 split, we can add a 30% increase to your share:
0.5 * (1 + 0.3) = 0.65This 30% increase leads to a 65/35 ratio, where you would be paying 65%, and she 35%.
Math is off.
He makes 30% more than her. If she makes 100, he makes 130. The total income is 230.
Her income is 43% of that (100/230) and his is 57% (130/230).
My partner and I split all costs based on what we are able to commit to (roughly proportional to income)
I agree it wouldn’t be right for her to pay off your mortgage. But I think either 50/50 or proportionate to income (i.e. 1.3/1) splitting of bills, groceries, and other costs incurred by the both of you, is reasonable. But you’re in relationship, not a contract, so do discuss this with her and see what the both of you would prefer.
I always wonder about that. It seems like a non-issue to me. You’re just paying it, same as always, and the other can contribute when or if they can, what they can. Running costs that do increase with two people, like electricity or water, should be easy to just split some way, since the other’s no longer paying for their rent and utilities.
But why does it have to be some set sum or percentage or whatever? Why does it have to be static in the first place? Why not just let them contribute what they can, when they can, since the money’s not tight?
But of course the real correct answer will always be different for each relationship. And only revealed by talking and assuming each feel comfortable being honest and vocal about their thoughts and neither gets steamrolled or gets left with reservations or doubts about the outcome.
Why does it have to be static in the first place? Why not just let them contribute what they can, when they can, since the money’s not tight?
Who is to decide when and what they can pay then?
It’s also as much about determining the disposable income. If she has a different opinion on what is reasonable to spend on other things that could easily become a can of worms.
“This is what you need to contribute to the household, whatever you do with the rest of your money is not my issue” is much better than: “Hey, I know you’re low on cash but maybe if you cut back on lattes, avocado toast, gambling, booze and cigarettes, we would be able to pay the bills.”
In reality, the fixed amount isn’t very fixed anyway. If one part can’t pay, it’s still unlikely that the partner would kick them out. But as long as money isn’t that tight, it’s simply better to allocate a fixed amount to the household, so the money isn’t disposable for random spending, so they don’t risk overspending or increasing expensive habits.
This isn’t just to curb the costs, but also to avoid the situation in which one part becomes financially dependent on the other, which is also a recipe for disaster for both parts.
You should split groceries/electricity and all that 50/50. The house is yours so she should not pay for it unless you actually both agree she should pay a monthly rent to live in your house. That to me would be correct. I am in a different situation as you as I bought the house with my wife and even tho I spent more because I had more money available I did not ask her extra money. Also keep in mind that wife is different than girlfriend. So since wife>girlfriend I honestly thing you should get to an agreement with your girlfirend and she should actually pay something for the rent and it should not be all on you.
