I’m a bit lost here, to be fair. I went full no contact with my family back when I was 16. Took a hike, even across countries. So, apparently what happened, was my ex brother in law not keeping his mouth shut and sharing my number with my family. I still can’t make heads or tails of it. But now my dad wants to be real chummy and friendy with me? Fuck that, honestly. I’m not super mad at him, more at the rest of my family, but it seriously hurts right now. What am I supposed to do? I’m at a loss here. Haven’t really talked to the person for over 21 years.
You must log in or register to comment.
Just be really rude, it makes the message clear
I lost my dad shortly after I got back in contact with him, and not trying to make up with him sooner is one of my greatest regrets. Obviously your situation may be different but it’s probably worth giving him a second chance.
With absolutely zero context to what caused the rift initially – I’ll just say you only get one shot in this life, it’s up to you to make it count. Most people would be heartbroken having zero contact with their children, it’s entirely possibly he’s decided enough is enough? Ultimately, is reconnecting going to negatively impact your life? If yes, simply ignore the attempt.
Maybe cut him some slack? A lot can happen in 20 years.
If OP has made it clear he doesn’t want someone around, and they violate it by sharing phone numbers and sending texts and trying to get back in, then the family isn’t respecting boundaries and is probably why they got cut off in the first place.
Going no contact is often a last resort after a lifetime of pain. It’s nothing something people do casually.
With respect, 16 year old brains are not physically developed enough to make that decision. It’s why we don’t let them vote.
Things may look different today. I stand by my suggestion.
anyone who’s been abused as a teenager could tell your differently. your advice is wrong, sorry.
It isn’t really. But you are, of course, entitled to your opinion.
Entitled is an ironic choice of words for someone who’s never been abused and says teenage abuse victims aren’t “developed enough” to go no-contact with their abuser. Foolish human. If you respond I’ll block you instantly without reading it to verify that you’ve read and understood my comment.
Fuck off. Stop assuming that you know anything about me, foolish asshole.
Now that the BLUF is out of the way, and I know that you’ve read and understood my comment, I’ll do you a solid to show that there are no hard feelings. You’re blocked.
A completely unsurprising response given your idiotic takes in the thread so far. Sounds like you need more education in your “area of professional study.” Or just any education would do.
You seem nice.
The person I’m talking to discredits teenage victims of abuse who choose to cut off their abuser by saying that they’re not “developed” enough to decide when the abuse stops. And you’re offended by what I said? Fuck off.
Yeah the guy isn’t a stranger to L takes. “Maybe cut the guy some slack” pfffft. Abused or neglected at 16? Nah you’re too young to know that apparently.
Also with due respect, your opinion is wrong. I work with badly abused people, and those that CAN escape from toxicity at the earliest have it “best”. Some could never escape. There are 12yr old who have a forced maturity that you often don’t even find in 40+ olds. Which is not really a good thing.
Please, i don’t wanna sound condescending or so, but widen your horizon in that regard please.
My “opinion” is not wrong. It is scientific fact. Adolescent development is an area of my professional study.
Are there abused children in the world? Yes. Are their brains well-enough developed to make any lifelong decisions? No. That doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve help. It does mean that they are not mature enough to understand the ramifications of a no-contact decision.
I don’t wanna sound condescending, but please base your own opinions in fact.
Facts? So heavily abused children should stay with their abusers forever because their "brain is not well-enough to make any lifelong decisions hence they are not… "? This is the most absurd thing I’ve heard in a while. Not saying their brain isn’t perfectly well adjusted. No shit sherlock, that’s old news. Just the conclusion is… Very questionable. The ramifications of a no-contact-decision is the faint possibility of starting a therapy and get slightly better.
Anyone abused in whatever way, no matter how mature their brain is, should leave the abusive environment (at the very least. And get help at the acceptable best) . Isn’t that like the most basic survival-tactic? Avoid any kind of harm at all costs however possible.
And now we know that you can’t (or won’t) read. That’s ok. But I do think that we’ve exhausted the possibilities of this conversation.
We sure did. But please, do continue your “studies”, you never know when it might come in handy.
Meh, that is a bit extreme without knowing anything about the history. OP even said they’re not really angry with their father. I think it’s fair to reach out after over 20 years. If OP still wants no contact, they can communicate this and if their father doesn’t respect that, then I’d say you have a valid point.
Going no-contact is an extreme form of self-defense which takes incredible emotional fortitude to uphold, especially at first when your bewildered abuser is trying every trick to get back into your life. It cannot be done casually. It takes lots of time and energy. This means that the person who does it was really, really hurt. And you think it’s fair to the abuser to let them reach back out?
Maybe I am too old to put too much value in the lasting decisions of a teenager. You change so damn much over the years and what felt like the worst back then isn’t that bad when you look back after 20 years. But my main point is that OP explicitly said they weren’t angry with their father, so I don’t see it as a bad act when he tries to contact OP again.
Have you ever been abused by a parent?
As a matter of fact, I did go no contact with my parents after I moved out at 19 and minimal contact as I got older. Nowadays, with both of them dead, I see their behavior more nuanced. I can appreciate how difficult it is to leave your own upbringing behind and they both came from families traumatized by war. That’s my personal story, of course, and doesn’t mean other people should see it the same way. But it’s the reason why I think, after 20 years it’s no problem to re-evaluate decisions you made as a teenager. If you still feel the same way you did back then, that’s fine. But there’s no point in leaving relationships behind that could be good for you just because.
But there’s no point in leaving relationships behind that could be good for you just because.
Did you go no contact with your parents “Just because” ?
A lot of people get increasingly sentimental as they get older and the guy’s your dad. You don’t owe him anything and don’t have to engage at all, but he’d likely be grateful for even a surface level relationship with his estranged kid if you’re at all interested.
But now my dad wants to be real chummy and friendy with me? Fuck that, honestly
There’s your answer, specially crafted by you, for you.
You can also tell the family that gave out your contact information without permission that since they have no concept of personal boundaries, you will not be taking any calls or visits from them, if you wish.
I’ve been no contact for almost the same amount of time, so I’ll tell you how I’d feel in the same boat.
My dad had no backbone to protect me while I was in his house, and he didn’t bother trying to stay in my life after I left. He may not have done the abuse, but he definitely allowed it to happen due to inaction. I am always going to miss the parents I thought I had, but it won’t add anything positive to my life to have contact again.
He is a stranger in a familiar coat
NC at 16 was rough probably.
One the one hand, you spent more time living apart or on your own than in contact with him, on the other hand, youth can be more impactful - so depending on your skills of emotion, trauma, processing etc. this can be good or difficult.
However you decide, you are somewhat strangers to each other now.
Do you think you and him could compartmentalise your relation and family?
You don’t owe them anything just because you share blood. That being said.
Without knowing the background: if it was not him you’re mad at, he might just want to have contact with his offspring. Nothing inherently bad. So why not? Can’t hurt. It’s not yes or no forever. Test what he REALLY wants and decide then? At least you can never blame yourself in the future for not trying, if you’re inclined to doing these things.
But if there is any toxicity at all, fuck it. Ground rule #1 in life: cut toxic people out. Period. Be it blood or stranger. Doesn’t matter. But you already did this long ago, so kudos for that.
You never asked to be born. Your parents wanted that. You owe blood relatives nothing. Family are the people you love.
Family is who you treat like family.
This is the winner right here. Family is as Family does.
